Do not, the hidden agenda It is not another application to update the pending tasks: it is something that almost all of us “use” when we are in couple and that not only does not help us but life complicates us. The good news is that this agenda can (and should) be recycled.
What is the hidden agenda? The hidden agenda is a symbolic notebook in which we write down the bad, what bothers us, what he told us that January day in the countryside And how bad it felt. Is the newspaper "del mal", the black notebook of our relationship. And as you imagine so much "blackness" and such negative annotation do not lead to anything good.
And it's called hidden because until one day we decided to bring it to light to aerate (probably at the worst time) its content, we usually have it guarded, so that it macerates its content well.
Bad partner in partner communication
As I said the hidden agenda does not remain alone in our mind, no, no, no. From time to time, usually in the middle of an argument, each resort to their notes to carry their weapons and have "good" ammunition: Well, you go, that the other day you did the same when ... . Long live the Grudge Festival!
But we also use it in "very secret" mode, so secret that sometimes we are not even aware of it, in the middle of the discussions also, but in another way. How? I explain it to you with an example:
Monica and Adrian start talking about what they are going to do next Saturday. He says that what he wants is to go to the beach, to which she replies quickly and quickly that this will be complicated because they have said on the news that it will rain almost certainly. "What's up, if I have seen that it is good", he says. "Will rain", she says. And so they heat up to generate a real fight ... for the weather.
What is really happening and where is the hidden agenda in all this? The hidden agenda in these cases, in the discussions, it is the real issue that is discussed, the one that really pisses us off but that neither of us verbalizes for what remains hidden, between secret lines.
Following the example, his hidden agenda is that he wants to go to the beach because he knows that if they stay at home in the end they will end up eating at their in-laws' house and do not feel like seeing their brother-in-law because it's a mouth, and in the case of she The hidden agenda is that he does not want to go to the beach because deep down what he wants is to go to the theater, a plan that he has already rejected in I don't know how many occasions ... Note: I insist that it is a very polarized example, so that we understand the concept.
This is, broadly speaking, the hidden agenda. At the "official" level we are discussing the weather, but in another layer, in one that only we individually know (because we do not verbalize), we are discussing other things: the organization of tasks, something that hurt us and that we drag , a proposal that we dare not make, etc.
Our past is noted on the agenda
Yes, because all that resentment noted was not small, in this agenda, sometimes written in invisible ink, is recorded the baggage that we all have the result of past relationships and that, whether we like it or not, they left their mark on us.
After a relationship that has ended we all put something in the backpack of the experience, right? For example those things what did our ex that took us out of our boxes (and we do not want to be repeated in future relationships) or those others that we did and that were clearly not positive.
No, nobody leaves rositas after a relationship. Well, sometimes that brand we are wearing determines the following relationship (s), even if we are not very aware. How does that happen?
Let's also look at it with an example: your partner tells you, for the first time since you are together, what he will do such thing and you, immediately, get defensive and feel upset. Why have we reacted like this? Think: the discomfort comes from something that has really done - or stopped doing ... or what will your current partner ..., or does the thing come from behind?
The hidden agenda leads us to raise the alarms and therefore react, but the key is that that reaction is not what our partner has done, but for what we have in memory.
Ojito, that experience is a degree and from each relationship we learn very valuable things, but in this case we refer to "undesirable remains", to sequels that do not interest us or are productive for our current relationship.
Why the hidden agenda is not good for us at all
In the case of experience drawn from previous relationships The hidden agenda is not functional because, it may surprise you, we are not with the same person. It is possible that there were behaviors, words, gestures or decisions of your previous partners that would stir your soul and karma, but you are no longer with those people, so ...
And in the case of discussions It is especially counterproductive because it takes us away from the main objective of any discussion: to reach an agreement. If what has bothered us is that our partner does not want to accompany us to such a site, to continue with the example, how do we intend to find a solution to that problem if what we are talking about is that this Saturday it will rain on the beach?
The hidden agenda makes the issue that truly causes us discomfort remain unsolved, but guarantees us a discussion, with which the level of frustration and discomfort will increase, don't you think?
As a couple the good communication It involves facing and exposing the issue that concerns us and worries, not treating it tangentially. So let's give a folder to the hidden agenda, which is no good at all.
To stop using this evil agenda The first thing is to be aware of when we are using it ... and from there restructure our discourse and our behavior so as not to base it on the past or on something that we are not bringing to light. Stop talking about time and talk about what really matters to you, you'll see how it's worth it.
In Jared: My partner looks like Instagram photos of instagram models and influencers every day